The summer’s almost over, and I gained 3 beach bodies.
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i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
My mom asked what my office does for faxing since we’re completely remote, so I had to tell her we’re actually located in 2024
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*