The Sun
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lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.