The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
You Might Also Like
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
Obsessed with when babies see a younger baby and say “baby!” Like girl, ur the Spider-Man meme right now
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
just woke up in a cold sweat screaming “WHY DIDN’T HAWK TUAH GIRL CALL IT SPITCOIN”
Jane Austen was probably going after someone she knew/hated when writing Lady Catherine de Bourgh and it’s so fun to imagine her friends reading it being like OMG GIRL NO YOU DIDNT 😂😂😂🤭🤭🤭🤭🤭
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
In-person meetings at the office are a wonderful way to help your developers take a break from being productive
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.