Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours

All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep

I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things

[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu

*gets Ouija board*

Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?

Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.

How’s your Saturday going?

I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.

Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.

You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.

My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.

Such bad timing that me having the menopause coincided with everyone suddenly breathing really loudly

ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*

My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing

Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???

Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.

Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.

My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.

Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.

[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]

Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic

[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts

Sucks in stomach. Another chin pops out.

Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.

In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.

When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.

as is their right

My daughter’s throat is so sore she can’t talk, so we’re having her go around and kiss all the other kids

My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.

Our shared calendar.

At least he already knows not to expect much.

[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]

Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.

Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.

A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”