No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
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joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
I pray every night that I never become religious…
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.