The sun is 100% solar-powered.
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I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
I look at how fast my boys are growing and sometimes feel sad at the thought of them moving out some day. Which immediately turns into anxiety as I think “but what if they never move out?”
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.