The sun is 100% solar-powered.
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Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
I do want to see supervillain origin stories as films. But not the tragic event that forever warped their minds.
I want to see them, like, a few days after they decided to become villains and start trying to source goons, try out costume themes, real organizational stuff.
Told the kids I’d give $5 to whoever located and removed the screeching cricket that woke me up at 7am and they had that fucker out of here in 3 1/2 minutes.
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf