The sun is 100% solar-powered.
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“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.