“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
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[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
They should make a drug that recreates the feeling of having your number called earlier than you expected at the DMV.
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
Can we please stop with the travel hack of booking seats on the aisle and window in the hope of having a spare seat in between? As a solo traveller who has now been stuck in between these travel hackers it sucks. Talking over me, passing snacks over me etc. Just sit together.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
if 5 random white ppl come up to me & tell me they are imagine dragons im gonna have no choice but to believe them
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.