“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
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Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
We need to put an American base on the sun
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself