“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
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I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
Why do you assume it’s invalid to “Make stuff up” during an argument? It shows initiative and creativity
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
