the sun is so successful because it has the perfect bedtime and morning routines
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wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
Training for a job is a bunch of people telling you “this isn’t how youre supposed to do this but this is how I do it” and then nobody tells you how you’re supposed to do it.
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
Hey i am sexy to you now
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.