the sun is so successful because it has the perfect bedtime and morning routines
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*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
This is Chance. He’s just been entrusted with his first strawberry. Very honored. Will take care of it forever. 12/10
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
it sucks that brainwashing is a bad thing because generally speaking the idea of washing my brain sounds so nice
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
My safe word is now just a dry cough.