the sun is so successful because it has the perfect bedtime and morning routines
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“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
It’s too funny that Michael Chiklis signed on to do Gotham in a relatively straightforward role and then a year later they had him looking like Furiosa
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
It just seems like one would see a lot more data while flying through the clouds.
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
How actors in movies eat their food
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
If you go back in time to 2009 and tell anyone Daniel Radcliffe & Jonathan Groff would become Tony winning besties they would probably be like “Wow 2024 is a magical place” & then you’d have to be like “Nah that’s like the one good thing.”
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.