the sun is so successful because it has the perfect bedtime and morning routines
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YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
Sometimes when I’m looking up restaurant reviews and comparing menus I think to myself… “that light was green right?”
Boeing astronauts racking up that sweet overtime.
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
One of my sons wants to become a historian and the other wants to become an artist so I guess I want to become a lottery winner
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
The horror of being warned that the person you’re about to meet is “fine once you get to know them”
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
knights of the ikea table
Love triangle? You mean this Dorito?