Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*

Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!

My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.

Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk

Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps

I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.

Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school

I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…

Me: I made you a CD.

Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.

A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”

“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”

I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.

I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.

Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0

A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”

So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.

I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.

I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.

Me:

3yo:

Me:

3yo:

Me: well?

3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles

Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES

Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.

This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.

The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.

Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.

She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.

Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.

Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end

You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.

I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser

As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.

[being pulled from a burning car]

fireman: any idea how it started?

me: I used my keys

A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.

[Calling the police]

“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”

“Stay calm.”

“Yes, that’s him!”

Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?

Me: 69.

Interviewer: That’s not even close.

Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?

A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer