The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
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the nation is so divided we need another Cut essay to bring us together
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
I know the English colonized the world and all, but it’s hard to take them seriously when they create recipes like “bubble and squeak” and “toad in the hole.”
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude