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I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
I don’t like the person I become when my boss tells me I should be working while at work
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh