Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?

I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.

[horror movie in 2169]

The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE

[entire audience faints]

50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.

50% is begging them to be quiet.

Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.

Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.

Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?

Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?

Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax

2024 was a year of tremendous personal growth. I’m up four pants sizes since January.

[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it

i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction

he was correct

the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.

*Job Interview

Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”

(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)

Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*

[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good

My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.

This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.

Me: I hate math.

Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.

Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”

Me: because I’m not Native American?

My dad: no because you’re still alive

Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.

Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.

Hurricane heading this way guys, may lose power & cell service for awhile, so if I should happen to disappear, don’t buy the media’s bullshit, I was not abducted by aliens or taken on a cross country crime spree by some Hooter’s Waitresses… I don’t have that kinda luck.

apart from It’s ok
what other death threats
do women use?

*getting kidnapped*

Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits

“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015

Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.

[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO

They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.

Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]

Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*

me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief

also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom

People must think I’m a comforting presence because I often hear “Security!” wherever I go.