The sun really clocks out for the day before I do that’s insane
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The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly.
Because communication is key.
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
choose your gary
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.