[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
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I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
🍛