The Sun
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Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?