The Sun
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“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil