The Sun
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A devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other and they’re both equally responsible for me failing my maneuverability test
*checks Timeline*…
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
Someone asked me if I love exercising now that I’m working with a personal trainer, and I laughed. Then my husband laughed. Then the cake I saved for my midnight snack laughed.
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way