The Sun’s probably Asian.
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Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
Me: *looking fly*
Target self-checkout camera: lol no
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome