The Sun’s probably Asian.
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My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
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Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”