I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
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You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
“How’s your day going?”
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too