Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.

Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude

Friend: What type of dr?

Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars

Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂

Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹

There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.

Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.

Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.

It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.

Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us

I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.

You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.

I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.

My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?

[on an airplane]

Me: Is the pilot any good?

Flight attendant: One of the best

Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?

I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.

AI is trained on what we write, so if we want to save our jobs we should all write really badly for a while. I’ve been doing my bit for years.

Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.

[Later]

Her: You passed our stop.

Me: I am aware.

[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.

Him: *breaks down crying

In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.

I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall

“Holy shit I’m a cat?”

Dear Samsung,

please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.

My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.

First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.

Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.

*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU

me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies

him: no spoilers

me: i assure you there are a ton

What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”

The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.

I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.

H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.

M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same

How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes

I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.

Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.