The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
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If poetry is dead, then explain this:
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
I bring a box of bandaids with me to sprinkle about the pool to keep it from getting too crowded
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.