The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
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Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
That de-escalated quickly
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?