The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
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Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
it was love at first sight
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
[leans into restaurant] hey do you guys serve chicken
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door open for my bird friend] perfect
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf