The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
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I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
For real 🤣
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.