The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
You Might Also Like
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
They say women only use 10% of their anger
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
money maker
Popped in on my parents and caught them watching and somewhat enjoying Big Bang Theory. I’ve never felt more betrayed.
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
Me at my 225th rodeo:
“What the hell is going on?”
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.