The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
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SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
Same pineapple, same
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
“Don’t forget Romans and countrymen!”
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
Time to indulge in my favorite Thanksgiving tradition: Betting half of my life savings on the pug to win the National Dog Show on FanDuel and then storming off before dinner when I lose
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
big day for dogs who love to absolutely lose their shit when the doorbell rings
if you’re in a movie theater fiddling/crinkling with a noisy snack…………………… you need to give up that struggle after 5 min. let it go. put the community before the snack
I’m eating for two; me and the person I strive to be
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
Not me starting to realize, after 87 failed attempts to take a decent selfie, that the beauty of the soul is what really matters 🥲
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask