The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
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Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
There’s no such thing as Sasquatch
Those are just men who live with shedding cats
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
$3 #books
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
Me: See that guy right there? I met him in the 6th grade.
10: When there were dinosaurs?
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
Elephant pretends to eat this guys hat
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
I never delete my text messages…just in case a MF’er wants to lie about what they did April 25 1992
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?