The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
You Might Also Like
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
my uncle was kicked out of the army for eating too many spider webs
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
Being a serial killer is much like being a comedian, in that you either hit it big and get your own Netflix special, or you spend eternity popping up on shitty podcasts
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
There didn’t used to be all these coffee choices. You had to decide at a grocery store if you wanted coffee that was the best part of waking up or was good to the last drop.
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
The Backseat Boys
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”