The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
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My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
This guy is full of crap
-my colonoscopy doctor realizing that I didn’t do the pre-procedure cleanse
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
Today the vet told me “you have a really good dog” and I said I know she’s perfect and holds my mental health on her little shoulders and she laughed nervously and said “oh no, that’s pretty heavy” and i was like damn dude, ok??? you can tell, huh? Alright calm down lol geez
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball