The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
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Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
New mindset, who dis?
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight