Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

coworker: you are so lucky that you don’t have kids

me: that’s not luck that’s on purpose

My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.

just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears

FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?

ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.

I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.

Pescaterian: eats fish

Pestcaterian: eats insects

Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character

Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…

When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”

*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*

Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.

Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.

Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.

I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.

I didn’t really feel old until my doctor hit me with the “at your age…”

I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.

Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.

I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.

Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty

*kneels to pray*

“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”

[at a store]

Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?

*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*

Clerk: Well, they’re polarized

Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.

Like a good neighbor

plow my driveway, not my wife

I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.

Ridiculous. He should be in jail

Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.

Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”

And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”

Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?