The surprise organ harvestings will continue until morale improves now back to work
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I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
Dog: I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO OUTSIDE NOW TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO SO BAD
Me: omg okay
[45 minutes into our walk]
Me: OMG GO TO THE BATHROOM
Dog: none of these spots meet my strict criteria
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
Mick Jagger: “Hey you, get off of my cloud.”
Scotsman: “Hey McCloud, get off of my ewe.”
Most people think “as the crow flies” means ‘straight’, but it actually means ‘like an asshole.’
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets