Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse

I’m a go getter.
I don’t let other people ruin my day.
I ruin my day my damn self

If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️

If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.

I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud

My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?

I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.

I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.

Your honor, I was only doing a facepalm and his face got in the way of my face.

Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.

Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’

Hubby : It’s a scarf!

Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called

I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE

That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..

My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.

Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.

grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today

me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes

Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.

I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.

And a Czech one too.

Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?

7: Mommy look!

Me: Ok

7: Look at me!

Me: I’m looking

7: Look!

Me: I AM!

7: Why aren’t you looking?!

Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!

7: Wow. You’ve got a temper

Me:

7: And staring is rude

I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.

I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”

Me: *explains math problem*

Tween: I don’t understand.

Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*

son: i caught a tadpole!

me: actually that’s a dadpole

son: i’m confused

*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad

“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”

~History

Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands

A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.

ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure

If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?

*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*

Wife: it’s still NO!