The swamp creature from the haunted lagoon?
Nope just me back from the gym
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That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
Me after TurboTax asks me to confirm I’ve reviewed all of the documents (I don’t understand anything)
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
I need this for my side hustle.
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
My real name is maybe one of the top 5 whitest names ever invented and I just picked up my online order at a KFC that is deep in the hood where I’m maybe the only white guy within a mile and as soon as I went in they said “Here he is. Thats (my name)” and I lol’d.
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
Me: Maybe I’ll do something fun today
Anxiety: Sounds great, should I bring a sweater?
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
A sick whale is called an unwhale
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
Why did they call it painting your toenails and not graffeeti