Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.

[At dinner with wife’s friends]

Me: may I chime in

Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-

*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*

Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar

Phone

Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*

Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?

Me: A spider bit me

P: What kind?

Me: The dead now kind.

When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines

Delicious sardines

asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently

Dear diary,

Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.

[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money

Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.

Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?

My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”

Egregious Outerwear Lies

Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive

Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!

It’s been 5 years since they banned me from Yelp and I’m still mad about it. I did nothing wrong.

[going to bed]

Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.

[5 AM the next morning]

Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.

You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.

Great acting.. 😂

My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.

*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store

MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s Day

MAR 16: middle child, left out as usual

This is Chance. He’s just been entrusted with his first strawberry. Very honored. Will take care of it forever. 12/10

17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute

Nobody stretches the definition of “salad” like a Southerner at a summer barbecue

me: how can Americans be so arrogant?

also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*

30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.

Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”

happy 100th birthday caesar salad!! may we all celebrate this day by stabbing a politician

Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?

WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic

THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?

ME: No. It should be fewer arguments

My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”