The swamp creature from the haunted lagoon?
Nope just me back from the gym
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[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
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Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
Kid #1: “I’m scared of monsters.”
*spend 45 minutes hugging & comforting child*
Kid #6:”I’m scared of monsters.”
Me: “Eh, the cat’ll get them. G’night!”
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
*pokes sex life with a stick
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
Ape together strong
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I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
Barbie gone wild
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
I bring a box of bandaids with me to sprinkle about the pool to keep it from getting too crowded
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another