The swamp creature from the haunted lagoon?
Nope just me back from the gym
![]()
You Might Also Like
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
![]()
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
![]()
Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.
So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears