Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.

Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.

Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.

Please let me in.. 😂

Sound on

me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other

mime teacher: *thumbs up*

Mugger: give me everything you got

Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want

Mugger: ok nevermind

The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.

I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have

Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.

[Interview]

Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?

Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!

Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual

Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.

Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.

Looking forward to Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck getting back together again in 2044.

Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.

Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.

“Kill it!!”
“Relax Sam, it’s just a spider.”
“KILL IT!”

“The future is yours!”
Me: [Looking around] No thank you.

I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.

If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”

*watches a house fall on you*

*steals your shoes*

[first day as a cop]

me: i found the body

other officer: any id?

me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner

At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.

I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.

I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.

Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.

robber: alright everybody hit the floor!

me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come

My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.

wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?

me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?

My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.