the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
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First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
I am HOWLING at this
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.