the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
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My age is news to me every single time I remember
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
real
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say