The symmetry is uncanny.
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When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
I am absolutely never leaving this website
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
Tonight my wife is making us watermelon mojitos and if you think you can’t find true love on the Internet well you’re wrong because that’s where she found the recipe.
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
My patronus is a cheeseburger
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
a lot of yall don’t understand politics because your history teacher was the football coach
It turns out when someone asks who your favorite child is, you’re supposed to choose from your own. I know that now.
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
did it work
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”