The symmetry is uncanny.
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Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI