The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
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(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
no babe I love that you need to use the washroom because it coincides with my need to look at my phone for 3-7 minutes.
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
If my son ever came out as gay I’d be so furious. Furious that he never gave me fashion advice
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
If you’re going end up on an episode of Dateline, make sure you’re the killer
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy