The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
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Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
I’ve had some terrible ideas but never “chili restaurant in an airport” bad
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
the clocks on the oven and the microwave this morning:
Guys, I found it.
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”