The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
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Oh yeah that’s it
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos