The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
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Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
No point crayon over spilled milk.
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
Dune is timeless because its message resonates with everyone who, in order to get the job they want, had to “ride” a “giant worm”
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
Nothing angers me more than tall ghosts in horror movies. No one born in 1782 was that tall. Do your research, screenwriters.
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?