The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
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*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
No crypto for me thanks, at least not until I figure out how dollars work.
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
This was my dad’s browser history.
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.