The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
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You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
If there’s no open mouth cougher on the plane they hold the flight until they can find one
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
Girlfriend: “I regret getting you that blender for your birthday”
Me drinking a pop tart: “why??”
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
watching a murder doc and the main girl just said “i believe god put me in this prison for a reason” and im like well the reason is you murdered your husband
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain