The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
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Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
*names my little horse OneTrick*
apart from It’s ok
what other death threats
do women use?
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
As a kid: I can’t wait to stay up late and no one can tell me when to go to bed
Me at 41: ope my fitness device just said it’s bedtime. I better go.
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.