The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
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Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free