The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
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President The Rock Obama
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
My friends are always encouraging me to persist. “Don’t quit your day job.”
Damn what did I do next
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
If practice makes perfect then I should really know what to do with my arms by now, when trying to sleep
I don’t think I will be asked to make a curry again 🤣🤣🤣
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.