Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.

H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.

M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same

Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.

Walked through a haunted house and just kept muttering to myself about how much I liked the aesthetic of each room, like I was shopping for a house. And then a guy with a chainsaw would jump out or something and I would be like ok geez

Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science

[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]

Someone just threatened to call me later

PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor

*launders Kohls cash*

Fellow senior citizens:

If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.

You don’t need to push your lifealert button.

Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.

I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.

Stay in school, kids.

No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.

Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.

Wife: IT’S 8 AM

“Wow, Awesome costume.”

“Step out of the vehicle, sir.”

Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.

there are only 2 kinds of mayors: the kind you hate for ruining your city and your job and your life. and dogs

i dont want to consume AI art for the same reason i dont call up my boys every sunday to watch a conveyor belt quickly and efficiently deliver a football to an endzone

This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob

my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ

also my brain: John F. Cennedy

ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken

time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys

The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.

– birds

podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in

early man: made primitive tools from stone

late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing

BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?

Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.

why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce

2017 – Wizard of Oz

[opening credits]

Dorothy: *opens weather app*

[end credits]

I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.

I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.

They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.

I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call