The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
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Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
Can’t wait for the Olympics to start so the country can be on the same side again
love tennis but never really been clear why they need a lifeguard
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
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Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.