Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?

no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.

I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.

At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table

Her: What brings you to speed dating?

Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.

What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?

Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.

Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.

Two words: Egg Newtons™

Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.

Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”

Cellmate : “Them what happened “??

if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in

My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.

#Caturday

My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?

My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.

*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*

Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team

Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.

Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom

This probably isn’t good

Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-

Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]

Shania Twain: oh shit wow

I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.

But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.

“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”

The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.

I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.

Well three can play at that game.

[murder trial]

LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?

COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.

who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?

I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.

I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.

me: shoot for the moon

astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates