Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right

me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight

me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding

I was overcharged by a plumber!

So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.

Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.

Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”

Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.

Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….

Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?

Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?

if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.

How to run faster:

1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start running

You’re welcome

Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.

I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”

Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!

*Runs 6 miles*

*Adds Kenyan to resume*

If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.

I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.

I just stopped by to water my horse.

On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.

stopped in at my local wine shop to grab a bottle and was told that on a normal Tuesday they would be at $1500 in sales but they’re already around $10k lmao

Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.

How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?

If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party

Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant

That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.

hair coloring options for women:

out of a box = $12.99

going to a hair salon = $7,000

A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.

i too will be having a baby outside of dave grohl’s marriage. you don’t see me making it a whole thing

[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*

Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon

me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier

Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.

[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]

Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.