The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
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Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
😏😏😏
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon