The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
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The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.