The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
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You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
Instead of texting “here”, last night one of my friends knocked my front door just like our ancestors used to
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
Guantanamo Bae
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
Babysitter: ooh! Got yer nose.
Voldemort: not cool
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years: