The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
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Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
AC/DC will always be on today’s rock and roll stations because they’re literally current.
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
when I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume.
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
Velcrow
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.