Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: baby I’m so wet

Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now

My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.

People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.

Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”

*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*

Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.

Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?

That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.

me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02

me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06

me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28

drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up

One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.

My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:

“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”

Six Flags: *opens first theme park

Five Flags: We should have seen this coming

I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.

The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”

Maybe I eat too much pizza …

[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*

A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.

I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.

remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life

[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom

Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.

Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.

Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby

Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart

GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean

SHARK: nice

GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land

HORSE: cool

GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean

BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?

GOD: um

BLUE WHALE: um what?

careful fellas!

when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.

[Leaving bar]

GF: You okay to drive?

Me: I’m fine.

GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?

M: 2 guys, tops.

GF:

M:

GF:

M: What?

If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.

Me: *taking a family photograph*

Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?

Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.

Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band

Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.

Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.