The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
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Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
Encore…
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
Jesus steals the winter solstice
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN