@JennyJohnsonHi5

The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.

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@underchilde

As a father, I would refuse to give my daughter away at her wedding on the grounds that I would have to be there.

@KMoFlo_official

[tornado warning]

*locks children and dog safely in basement*

*perches in a tree with binoculars*

@the_rock_chic

A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…

@girlontapas

My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.

Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?

@pseudo_fred

This drag race is not at all what I expected. Are they in dresses INSIDE of the cars, at least?

@Fallun_Angel

A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the other one.

@notalogin

Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh

@Rebecca8672

Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”

@DothTheDoth

If you’re walking past an old abandoned house & the front door opens for no reason, go into that house.