The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.

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As a father, I would refuse to give my daughter away at her wedding on the grounds that I would have to be there.


[tornado warning]

*locks children and dog safely in basement*

*perches in a tree with binoculars*


A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…


My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.

Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?


This drag race is not at all what I expected. Are they in dresses INSIDE of the cars, at least?


A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the other one.


Wife: You’re shirtless?
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.


Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”


If you’re walking past an old abandoned house & the front door opens for no reason, go into that house.