The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
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My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
RT if you know someone like this!!!
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.